1. “Something is wrong here: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kinda (expletive) you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.”
2. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”
3. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
4. “Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
5. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
6. “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”
7. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” (my personal favorite)
8. “How come when it’s us it’s ‘an abortion,’ but when it’s a chicken it’s an omelet?”
9. “The best thing about getting old is you’re not responsible for remembering things anymore. Even important things. ‘But it was your daughter’s funeral.’ ‘I forgot!’ You can even make believe you have Alzheimer’s disease. It’s a lot of fun. You can look around the dining room table and say, ‘Who are you people and where is my horse?’
10. “Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man… living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”
His attitude towards religion, politics and stupidity strike me as genious. Agree or disagree? Post in the comments, along with your favorite Carlin quotes.
2. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”
3. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
4. “Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
5. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
6. “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”
7. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” (my personal favorite)
8. “How come when it’s us it’s ‘an abortion,’ but when it’s a chicken it’s an omelet?”
9. “The best thing about getting old is you’re not responsible for remembering things anymore. Even important things. ‘But it was your daughter’s funeral.’ ‘I forgot!’ You can even make believe you have Alzheimer’s disease. It’s a lot of fun. You can look around the dining room table and say, ‘Who are you people and where is my horse?’
10. “Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man… living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”
His attitude towards religion, politics and stupidity strike me as genious. Agree or disagree? Post in the comments, along with your favorite Carlin quotes.
22 comments:
George Carlin was indeed one of the greatest comedians I have seen. His stance on religion makes me like him even more. To stand up to the order like that, in a country where Christianity is getting more and more followers due to government fear mongering, is not only a brave, but also a very good thing to do. Show people there is an alternative to mysticism, namely reason!
R.I.P George!
8. “How come when it’s us it’s ‘an abortion,’ but when it’s a chicken it’s an omelet?”
Because when one uses an egg to make an omelet (or scrambled eggs, or what have you), the egg is unfertilized and will never hatch into a chicken. When one has an abortion, she kills a human life (or, if you do not believe that life begins at conception, something that will eventually become a human life). A better comparison would have been embryos killed in stem cell research.
And I would suggest that Mr. Carlin needs to learn a little more about God to understand what his love is.
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
That may not be an exact quote, but I love it.
And yes, I agree.
I love #3. Totally got me.
George Carlin is amazing. RIP.
George Carlin, a very brave man, who spoke the truth even if it offended the multitude of crazy, fanatical, brainwashed, mindless, one-dimensional human beings in our world. I shudder to think of the hate mail that man received from the many idiots who believe in anything they are told or read in an ancient book written by men who may have been lunatics practicing discrimination, torture, murder - - you name it, it's in there somewhere. I enjoyed his sense of humor and honesty - - REFRESHING!!!
@Mike
And how do you 'learn' more about God if that's not some kind of a secret? Read the bible for the final test?
And no, unfortunately, he will not be able to 'learn' anymore. He recently (an year may be?) passed away.
Indeed one of the greatest comedians...
you can't quote carlin and then put "expletive". one of his best bits would be completly butchered.
he liked to piss of anyone who took himself to seriously, and by using "expletive" you aren't doing that justice.
you can't quote carlin and then put "expletive". one of his best bits would be completly butchered.
he liked to piss of anyone who took himself to seriously, and by using "expletive" you aren't doing that justice.
Carlin was so fantastic at pointing out the hypocrisy of the god squad. Even after his death he still makes pricks like Mike bluster in indignation.
My favourite quote? "Fuck Mickey Mouse! Fuck him up the ass with a big black dildo, then break it off and beat him to death with it!".
Mikes an idiot. I'll bet if you put some coal up there, you'd get a diamond in a few days.
WTF? that diamond analogy doesn't fit.... Maybe mike is anal about details, and yes, he IS an idiot, but the whole coal/diamond thing refers to someone tight as in monetarily, etc. wow.. desperate to pack in a Ferris Bueller reference i guess.
@mike
Mr. Carlin was raised in a devout catholic family and im sure he knew more about god(or the lack thereof) than you can ever hope to know.
"every day I beat my own personal record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive"
used it as my senior year yearbook quoate...
Mike is the only one here with more than 5 brain cells. Carlin may have mocked God when he was alive, but now that he's burning in Hell I bet he regrets it. I wouldn't expect many people to understand this, and I know that since half of the people who use the internet are stubborn athiests, I'm expecting insults.
Mike:
I've got nothing against God............it's his fan club I can't stand !!
mike, all i can say is that you are an asshole for trying to ruin george carlin quotes. lighten up
Blind faith. Because it's easier not to think for yourself.
Ya Mike, Opposing opinions aren't wanted here!(sarcasm) Reasonable debate is dead in America. I realize that some people commenting might not be from America but I'm only going to speak for my own country. You're all dicks.
Mile and the rest of you deists. George Carlin exhibited more intelligence, physical, intellectual, and moral courage than any of you will ever have.
Because you are incapable of facing reality and recognizing fact, you are doomed to spend your lives in a fantasy world separated from reality. No wonder, people with intellect and courage regard you with contempt.
I see nothing but profound sadness in Carlin's attacks on God. He shows, like most atheists or secularists, a complete misunderstanding of Christianity. You don't have to accept faith, but at least have the honesty and intellect to explore and understand before dumping on it. Yes, much of what the man did was funny, hilarious even, but when he slid of into attacks on people for their faith the laughter turned to tears.
Why is it people who are religious (schizofrenic) always think people who are secular "just don't get it". Because many of us DO get it, we just don't agree with it. I've read the bible, cover to cover, it has some good stories, some bad stories, some good moral lessons, some extremely disturbing ones. Not ever have I read it thinking "Wow, this could really have happend". And that's what religious people think. The talking snake, the ark with two mosqitos, two day flies, two butterflies and two grizzly bears.
I have found ONE (1) religious person that i respect and admire, and that is George Coyne, former director for the Vatican Observatory. He believes in evolution and avoids using the term "theory" because it implies it is ONLY a theory. You know, like the theory of gravitation or theory of disease.
Mainly, when arguing for your faith, you are all working backwards from "okey, this is what i believe, how do I defend it". Instead of first figuring out where your convictions lie by looking at the world from an objective point of view.
And that's what George did. He grew up a catholic (until he reached the age of reason) and then said "Yeah, right, think I'm gonna tell this for what it is" and started shitting on it throughout his career. Brilliantly.
I miss you George...
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