Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Bear hunting
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.'
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, ' That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.'
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'
Read more...
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.'
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, ' That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.'
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Are You Qualified To Discuss Nuclear Power ?
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk.. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’
’Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles.
OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.....’
To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?
Read more...
Aggressive and Hostile Driver
An Officer stopped a driver for running a red light. The guy was a real jerk and came running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
The officer calmly told him of the red light violation.
The “Motorist” instantly went on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade went on for several minutes without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finished writing the ticket he put an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then handed it to the “Violator” for his signature.
The guy signed the ticket angrily and when presented with his copy pointed to the “AH” and demands to know what it stood for.
The Mountie said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an Asshole!”
Two months later they were in court. The “Violator” has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and had hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testified to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asked; “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?”
Officer responded, “Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine -- same number at the top.
Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”
Officer: “Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined.”
Lawyer: “What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”
Officer: “Aggressive and Hostile Sir.”
Lawyer: “Aggressive and Hostile?”
Officer: “Yes Sir?
Lawyer: “Officer, Are you sure it doesn’t stand for Asshole?”
Officer: “Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!
Read more...
Top 30 Reasons Why Cars Are Better Than Women
- You can look at pictures of nice cars all you want to and not feel like a pervert.
- You can lust after another car and your current car won't care.
- You can hang any kind of car picture in your dorm room and not get in trouble.
- Women can't go 200 miles per hour.
- A woman can't carry four of your friends on a road trip.
- You can replace your car any time you want and not feel bad.
- A car doesn't have girlfriend cars that will talk about you and tell her that you are not good for her.
- You can't install sub-woofers in a woman.
- You can rub and wax a car in your driveway and not get arrested.
- Car's don't care if you leave them in the garage overnight.
- Cars don't care if you go on a trip for three weeks and don't call them.
- I f you are nice enough, your friend will almost always let you borrow their car.
- You can get together with friends and compare cars and not sound like pigs.
- Car's don't get mad at you for no reason every 28 days.
- You can have two cars at once and they won't be jealous of each other.
- Cars don't have relatives that you have to be nice to.
- You can always test drive a car before making a commitment.
- Car's come with an owners manual.
- Your car does not care if you get fat and walk around with no shirt on.
- You have 100% complete control over the direction of that car at all times.
- You can stare at nice cars in a parking lot and your car won't care.
- You can't put a bumper sticker that says "How's my driving? Dial 1-800- EAT-S*IT!" on a woman.
- Car's could not care less about commitment.
- You don't mind too much if your friends always want a ride in your car.
- If your car is being repaired, you can usually get a loaner car.
- If you are 21, you can legally rent a car. 'Nuff said..
- You can complain about how ratty your car looks and people think it's funny.
- You can sell your car to a complete stranger and nobody will get mad at you.
- A woman does not have keyless entry or remote ignition
- and finally. There are 50 year old cars that still look good
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Obama checking it out
U.S. President Barack Obama (C) and France's President Nicolas Sarkozy (R) take their places with junior G8 delegates for a family photo at the G8 summit in L'Aquila, Italy, July 9, 2009.
Link
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Crazy Facts about English
Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?
In what other language do thay call the third hand on the clock the second hand?
In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?
Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell?
Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:
If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?
A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.
But fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught?
If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?
English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in;
In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.
In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.
English is a crazy language. What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible?; and why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?
Read more...
Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?
In what other language do thay call the third hand on the clock the second hand?
In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?
Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell?
Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:
If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?
A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.
But fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught?
If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?
English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in;
In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.
In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.
English is a crazy language. What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible?; and why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?
Don't Step On Duck
Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: “Don’t step on the ducks.”
The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, “The ducks?” “Yes,” St. Peter Said. “There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they’re all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you’ll be punished.”
The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking. St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, “Who stepped on a duck?” “I did,” admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” he said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man’s face, and he cuffed him to the woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” St. Peter said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn’t stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, “What have I done to deserve this?” The woman replied: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Read more...Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
What did he Say?
Parvez, a middle-aged Pakistani tourist on his first visit to Mumbai, finds the red-light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams: "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Archna, will do. Archna has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her.
So the madam sends her over to Parvez. TheY sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams: "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
The madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson. So she goes over to Parvez and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink, and then she sits in his lap.
Parvez leans forwards and whispers in her ear: "Can I pay in Pakistani currency?"
Read more...
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams: "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Archna, will do. Archna has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her.
So the madam sends her over to Parvez. TheY sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams: "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
The madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson. So she goes over to Parvez and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink, and then she sits in his lap.
Parvez leans forwards and whispers in her ear: "Can I pay in Pakistani currency?"
Military Quotes
- "If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal
- "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.." -U.S. Air Force Manual
- "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -General MacArthur
- "You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
- "Tracers work both ways." -U.S.. Army Ordnance
- "Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal
- "Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once."
- "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit
- Clean it, if it's Dirty. Oil it, if it Squeaks. But: Don't Screw with it, if it Works! -USAF Electronic Technician
- "If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him." -USAF - Ammo Troop
- "Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." -test pilot Paul F. Crickmore
- Latitude is Where We are Lost, & Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There! -USAF Navi-guesser (Navigator)
- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- however, it's probably unsafe in any case .."
- "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
- "Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club ." -Unknown disgruntled Grunt
- " Airspeed, altitude and brains........Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."
- "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
- "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
- "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." -Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
- "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
- "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
- "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes FULL Power to taxi to the terminal."
- As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft , having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don 't know, I just got here myself!"
Monday, July 13, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The Gift
A blonde guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. After storming away and cooling off, he had time to think.
He knew he was clearly in the wrong and felt really guilty about the entire trauma that he had caused. So to make it up to his girlfriend, he decided to offer her a gift.
"I'm so sorry. Choose anything at all, my love," he said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know," replied his sweetheart, excited at the idea of a gift but still wanting to get back at him. "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you insist, just get me something very expensive, that I don't really need."
The following day he booked her in for heart surgery.
Read more...
He knew he was clearly in the wrong and felt really guilty about the entire trauma that he had caused. So to make it up to his girlfriend, he decided to offer her a gift.
"I'm so sorry. Choose anything at all, my love," he said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know," replied his sweetheart, excited at the idea of a gift but still wanting to get back at him. "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you insist, just get me something very expensive, that I don't really need."
The following day he booked her in for heart surgery.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Cant outsmart a WOMEN/WIFE
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other..
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'
Smart women they think of everything!!!!
Read more...
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'
Smart women they think of everything!!!!
Old women love Chocolate
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied. The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
Read more...
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied. The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
3 things which Microsoft can never explain
MAGIC #1
An Indian found that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the Computer which can be named as "CON". This is something funny and inexplicable. At Microsoft the whole Team, couldn't answer why this happened! TRY IT NOW, IT WILL NOT CREATE A "CON" FOLDER
MAGIC #2
For those of you using Windows, do the following:
1) Open an empty notepad file
2) Type "Bush hid the facts" (without the quotes)
3) Save it as whatever you want.
4) Close it, and re-open it.
Noticed the weird bug? No one can explain!
MAGIC #3
Again this is something funny and can't be explained. At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this happened! It was discovered by a Brazilian. Try it out yourself. Open Microsoft Word and type =rand (200, 99) And then press ENTER And see the magic.
Read more...
An Indian found that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the Computer which can be named as "CON". This is something funny and inexplicable. At Microsoft the whole Team, couldn't answer why this happened! TRY IT NOW, IT WILL NOT CREATE A "CON" FOLDER
MAGIC #2
For those of you using Windows, do the following:
1) Open an empty notepad file
2) Type "Bush hid the facts" (without the quotes)
3) Save it as whatever you want.
4) Close it, and re-open it.
Noticed the weird bug? No one can explain!
MAGIC #3
Again this is something funny and can't be explained. At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this happened! It was discovered by a Brazilian. Try it out yourself. Open Microsoft Word and type =rand (200, 99) And then press ENTER And see the magic.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Making love to wife
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."
Friday, July 3, 2009
Moving Places
Recently I faced one of the biggest change in my life. I switched my first job, I was working with the company for last 17 years and was very comfortable with the work life. But because of this recession, I took a forced decision of switching the job.
But this switch was not just switching from one office to another. It was more then that, I was going to a different city. Actually different state, initially i thought it will be easy. However it turned out to be tough when it came to actually shifting all my stuff.
At that time one of my friend recommended me use the service of Houston Movers. They turned out to be quite good. Initially i thought of taking help of my local mover and packer. When I was introcued to houston movers i got experience of my life. They are professional, on time deliver and very focused on there job.
Now i am not at all worried even if i have to move to a different city.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
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